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Cheap Spell checker

Eye halve a spelling chequer

It came with my pea sea

It plainly marques four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite

Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it

I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect awl the weigh

My chequer tolled me sew.

-Sauce unknown

Word to the Wise

I just returned from a backpacking trip in Arkansas where they do have a few black bears. This, however, sort of puts things in perspective:

Two backpackers from Kansas vacationing for the first time in Alaska,
decided to take off on a trail first thing. But they thought that it
might be wise to ask the advice of some locals first.

An old timer told them that they should be okay as long as they kept
and eye out for bears. Just to be on the safe side, he suggested that
they tie little silver bells onto their backpacks and take along some
pepper spray. He also said that it was especially important that they
know how to tell the difference between brown bears and grizzly bears,
and if at all possible to avoid areas that might contain grizzlies.

The backpackers not being very familiar with bears, asked "Well how
do you tell the difference?".

He told them that they could tell by looking for bear droppings
along the trail. The backpackers, still puzzled and being even
less familiar with bear dropping than they were with bears, asked
the obvious question "How in the heck do you tell the difference
between brown bear dropping and grizzly bear droppings?".

Well he said "The brown bear droppings are round and are laced with
fibers that look a lot like squirrel hair". "Okay" the backpackers
said, "But what about the grizzly bears droppings?". The old-timer
looked at them and said "Well they are also round, but they are laced
with little silver bells and pepper spray.

Poor Guy

An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died.
He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"
"They're for the funeral."

This Could Have Been Me!
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.
 
They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there.
 
They had a great time -- however, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
 
They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
 
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
 
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "This is going to be easy."
 
Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
 
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
 
Reasons Why The English Language Is Foreign

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Still One of My Favorites

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert, they set up their tent,and fell asleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

After pondering the request, Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars." … and what does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger. Tonto pauses for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks: "To me, Tonto, it means someone has stolen our tent."



Total Quality Mismanagement

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In modern education and government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing Riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living, but impaired".

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

13. Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses. Consider discontinuing inbreeding.

14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

This is the resting place of old humor, epistles which have served their purpose but are just too worthy to be laid completely to rest.
Hardware or Software

I'm always tickled by the creativity of some of the software developers.

I'm also amazed by the plethora of problems that bedevil the computer field, regardless of platform or software. This is just not science yet.

There seems to be a current problem with some some software that causes machines not to boot. I forget whether this is a peculiarity of my current hardware thing, the new operating system or what. I don't have it, so I don't really care. Apparently, after a certain combination of actions, the computer will not boot. Or re-boot. Anyway, the owner is dead in the water.

But somebody has leapt in to fill the void here with a utility called—I loved this—Boot You Bastard! Isn’t that just wonderful? In one three-word swoop, the author has perfectly described both the anger and terror of a non-bootable computer.

With this is mind, I am suggesting (and copyrighting) several other software titles, though I have not yet had time to write the code:

"Oh, God, Please Not Now" temporarily fixes frozen systems. Unfortunately, like the Portrait of Dorian Gray, it subtracts this "borrowed" time from YOUR life expectancy until one day you just drop dead at the keyboard (though your system should still operate).

"Un-send" deletes mail sent to a former employer, lover, spouse or other miscreant. If you sent a particularly flaming message then change your mind, this is the software for you. Version 3.0 will even provide a powerful mind-erase feature which removes the message even after it has been read! (Be warned: the beta version has caused some lobotomy problems.)

"Monitor Cleaner" is a small but terribly useful utility that cleans your monitor screen without the necessity of tissue paper and solvents. The one drawback is the unsightly collection of goo that is left on your desktop.

Anyway, you get the idea. I’m still working on these. Any suggestions?.


 
Mottos To Live By:
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
 
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
 
* He who hesitates is probably right.
 
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
 
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
 
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
 
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
 
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
 
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
 
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
 
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
 
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
 
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
 
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
 
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
 
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
 
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
 
* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
 
* Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
 
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
 
* Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
 
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
 
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
 
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
 
* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
 
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
 
* Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
 
* Death to all fanatics!
 
* Guests who kill talk show hosts .. On the last Geraldo.
 
* Chastity is curable, if detected early.
 
* Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
 
* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
 
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
 
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
 
* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
 
* Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
 
* Beware of geeks bearing gifts.
 
* Half the people you know are below average.
 
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 Elementary!

Sherlock Holmes and Watson were camping in the forest. They had gone to bed and were lying beneath the night sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?


 "I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that mean to you?" Holmes asked.


"I suppose it means that of all the planets in the universe, we are truly fortunate to be here on Earth. We are small in God's eye, but should struggle every day to be worthy of our blessings.
 In a meteorological sense, it means we'll have a sunny day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"


"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

More
Youthful Brilliance

I understand these came from 5th and 6th grade students:

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.

A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and then forcing it through an aviator.

The inhabitants of Moscow are Mosquitoes.

It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.

Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas.

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.

One of the main causes of dust is DIRT.

For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the victim is dead.

Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.

Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.

The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.


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Advice column about pregnancy....

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs? Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative.? What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me.? Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, idiot?
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epideral?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only-doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra.? It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college. ? ?
Parking Dispute
 
These guys were probably attorneys and had it coming anyway:
 
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required.... So get out of the car.
The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.
Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and was parked four/five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a Carjacking by a mad elderly white women......No charges were filed.
 

Y2K Observation

A smart man told me he's not worried much about this Y2K thing.
 
But he had some rather pointed comments about the predicted reactions, both here and overseas.
 
"Everyone's worried about what the Europeans will do when their phones don't work," he said. "Heck, their phones don't work now. If a European wakes up Jan. 1 and the phones are out for a week, he'll just wait. Happens all the time."
 
It would be different here, however. "A lot of people in this country, if they get up Jan. 1 and the phones don't work, they're gonna say, 'Time to get my gun and shoot someone!'"
 

Rare Exhibits of Street Savvy

Okay. This is somewhat cruel. But you all know it's true. Sad but true:

1. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

2. The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

3. At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

4. I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

5 (a rare "double sighting"). A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me, I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea, too.

6. (from Tech Support): Tech Support: How much free space do you have on your hard drive? Individual: Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?

7. (from Tech Support): Individual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen? Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name". Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name. Individual: How do you spell that?

8. When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man, "I already got that side."

 

I love our Language:

An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing." on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is everything!

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